my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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