I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
