I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
