You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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