She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
