this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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