I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
