i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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