Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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