So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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