I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
