if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just forgot I was standing up.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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