i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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