I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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