some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
