Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
