A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
