I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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