I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Randomize
