So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I still have a little drunk in my system
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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