Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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