I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
