God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
