My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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