I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
