maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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