I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
