I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
