I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
