Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
