please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
