Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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