I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
