My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
