My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
