Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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