my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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