My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
