I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
