Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Your penis caused this!
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