So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
