is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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