I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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