woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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