We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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