So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dear god my vagina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
