I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
