How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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