Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
