so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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