my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
