Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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