If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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