remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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