Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
