I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
