I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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