hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
