i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
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Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
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I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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