i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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