I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
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I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
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I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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