well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
