As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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