why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
